The Crack Brigade
by JAEO
Summary: If you want to see some crack, please come see us. That is all. Collabfic of Superstar, BKE and Gladiator Beast MCK. Rated T for Teen and S for Stupidity.
1. SSU & MCK: Countdown to Insanity

**A/N: Behold! The epic crack-fic collab project between Superstarultra, BKE, and Gladiator Beast MCK! Fear us and our one-shots of doomy doom! Can the SOS Brigade stand up to our insanity more than Haruhi's?**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**Probably not.**

**Think of this as HaruhiRolled's little, estranged, next-door neighbor's, twice-removed, twin sibling who only shows up at holidays. Some chapters will be made up randomly by us on our chats. Others each contributed by us.**

**Now enjoy your stay, you lovely Haruhiists, you.**

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It was an odd day in the clubroom; Mikuru was reading a spicy lemon, Kyon was taking a nap and drooling, Yuki was fapping to a Penthouse magazine, Itsuki was stuffing his face full of cookies, and Haruhi was attempting to hold in a fart.

But then suddenly, a dragon appeared outside in the school athletics yard!

"WHAT IS THIS DEMONRY?!?!" cried Yuki, pointing with a sticky index finger

"I am Steve the Dragon," the dragon replied as he did the Carmelldansen with the entire cast of Bleach.

"Would you all shut up!? I'm trying to fantasize about Miss Suzumiya doing naughty things to me!" Mikuru said out loud.

Mikuru went back to her lemon, but instead of an epic romance, she found herself staring into the epic rapeface of........

Sounou Mori!!!!

"I've come to taste your busty glory....." chuckled Mori, licking her lips seductively.

"Does anybody even care that there's a REAL LIVE DRAGON at this school?" Steve said in a annoyed tone.

"I CARE!" squealed Haruhi, running to hug the lizard, when all of a sudden, her butt went _PPPPFFFFFTTT!!!_

"Oh, fuck, I'm leaving," said the frustrated dragon as he flew off into the sky with the entire cast of Bleach following him.

"Miss Suzumiya, that was nasty," frowned Yuki, burping up a cloud of perfume to get rid of the noxious gas cloud.

"Kyon! This is somehow all your fault! Are you ready for the penalty?!" Haruhi screamed in Kyon's face.

"FUCK. YOU," Kyon waved away Haruhi's odor, while Itsuki pointed and laughed at his goddess.

"Fine then. Let's see how you like... THIS!" she snarled as she brought out a big rock out of nowhere, and knocked out Kyon with the rock.

Itsuki became furious and withdrew a Beam Sword from Super Smash Bros. Brawl. "HOW DARE YOU STRIKE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, YOU GIANT BITCH! CHIEF OR NO CHIEF, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!"

"Bring it on! ...Twilight boy!" Haruhi exclaimed as she pulled a sledgehammer out of her ass.

"A knocked-out Kyon? DIBS!" giggled Mori, who stopped advancing on a frightened Mikuru and knelt down to make out with him......

***

"And that's what happens when a bisexual Japanese girl steals your sledgehammer, Hunter," Shawn said as he pressed stop on the DVD player.

"So? Now what?" asked the buff fighter, as they lay upon the couch in Shawn's mansion.

***

Then suddenly Haruhi woke up from her sleep. "Ghaaaa!!! I had the most horrible dream!"

"I see you did..." chuckled a voice; Haruhi looked to her side and saw lying there, smoking a cigarette next to her naked body was none other then.................. STEVE THE DRAGON!!!!

"GHAAAAAAA!!!" Then Haruhi woke up again, "I had the most terrible nightmare!"

"Mmmmmmmmmmm.... Hush, my supple bisexual flower..... You're much softer than Mikuru...." Mori grinned wolfishly.

"NOT AGAINNNNNN!!!" Haruhi screamed as she woke up...AGAIN.

Haruhi looked around saw that she was alone; she sighed contently until a hand fell upon her left shoulder.

"What's up Shawn?" Said Hunter as she noticed that she was heavier and had longer blond hair than before.

And then it turns out this was all a very FUCKED-UP LSD-induced dream that the Undertaker was having.

**The end.**

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**A/N: Be afraid reader. Be very, VERY afraid.**

**Why?**

**Because this is only beginning.......... OF THE END OF YOUR SANITY!!!**

**BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

**Read, review, and favorite. You will not be disappointed.**

**Later! **


	2. BKE & MCK: The Redhaired Otaku

**A/N: Here is another wonderfully insane chapter. Made by BKE and Gladiator Beast MCK. **

**Hope you enjoy it! **

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The first thing that everyone should realize about Mikuru is that she is different, for she.......... Is really a WereOtaku!

She comes out once in a full or blue moon and raids the stores up and down the streets of Akihabara and Shibuya searching for the worse things imaginable. Evangelion cosplay, Gundam models, cat ears, Death Notes, and the most revealing clothing she can find.

Once, she was even suspected of dressing up and going to the annual event Comiket with the entire computer club society as mentioned by Yuki.

However, there's one secret that she would kill herself over if someone found out... She's secretly a fan of yaoi .

But not just any yaoi!

_Live-action_ yaoi.

One day in the club room after Haruhi left and Yuki was at the computer club, she decided to get her fix with her beloved clubmates...

She goaded Itsuki by telling him that Kyon had left her with a letter saying that he truly loved Itsuki. Kyon was in the clubroom when Itsuki rushed in and declared his love for him, while Mikuru waited, watching nearby.........

When suddenly, while Itsuki made his declaration, Kyon transformed into batshit-insane-psycho-killer Kyon!

As Itsuki was chased around the clubroom by a stabby-feely Kyon, Mikuru decided that her fix can be satisfied with Junjou Romantica and Gravitation just fine, saving Itsuki the trouble of being stabbed (the real kind) by someone. As for Itsuki himself, well........... He transformed into Giant-Robot-Final-Form Itsuki!

Kyon was astonished, for he had entered a non sequitur, of the most EPIC proportions.

He stared down at his knife and said, "I could've had a V8!"

And Itsuki, in his robot form indeed had a V8, and a Red Bull, and also Mike's Hard Lemonade. Kyon realized that Itsuki as a robot was not so bad, but when Itsuki's main gun charged, he felt that asking for a V8 meant the most unfunny and sad of fates. But he knew he had to stand up to the Gachihomo that loved him and so.......

He ran for the door and saw Taniguchi walking by, as the robot gave chase, the psychopathic cynic shoved the ladies man in front of him and said, "Take him instead! He's more awesomer than I am!"

Itsuki looked at the other boy and mused to himself, "Hmm. I wanted the strong uke with the tsundereness, but I guess a well-tanned Casanova is more fun, so I'll take him!"

"Not so fast!" Taniguchi exclaimed as he brought a large sword out of nowhere. "By the power of Greyskull! I have the power!" he shouted as he turned into... An exact clone of Skeletor.

"Aww. How did you know I had a bone fetish, Tani-chaaan?" Itsuki said as he threw the skeletonized playboy into the clubroom with him and locked the door.

A large amount of screaming ensued as the bony one was well...... boned. Kyon walked away, wishing he had killed something and contemplated going to the pound and "adopting a puppy", when he ran into Mikuru with her camera, and an envelope of a love letter and put two and two together.

"THIS IS SPARTA!!!!" he exclaimed as he kicked Mikuru into a random sewer entrance. Mikuru fell to the bottom with her camera, and was greeted by the hideous site of a bunch of random dead bodies, an oven, and Yuki and Tsuruya standing around a dinner table with the head of Mr. Okabe.

"Hey, Mikuru! Wanna have a bite?" Tsuruya bellowed out loud as she offered the red-headed otaku one of Okabe's eyeballs. Yuki slathered the eyeball in honey mustard dip and swallowed it whole. When they noticed the squeaking presence of Mikuru Asahina, they realized that they had real fresh meat for once, not the substitute teachers of oldness.......

***

"Damn!" The Undertaker exclaimed as he woke up from his crappy sleep.

"I need to stop taking so much LSD. Hey, honey? You up?" he asked the other one, who was sleeping next to him in bed.

For god knows what reason, the face of Ric Flair in a maid costume rose from the bed, prompting Undertaker to figure out not only was he dreaming, but... Why he was wearing what appeared to be a sailor fuku, yellow ribbons, an orange armband, and why he felt lighter everywhere except his chest...

Oh, shit on a corn-dog stick, he was Haruhi Suzumiya and Ric was Mikuru Asahina.

**The end.**

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**A/N: That friends, was the teamwork of BKE and MCK. ****And what's even crazier is that SSU had nothing to do with this one!**

**Remember to read and review! **


	3. MCK & SSU: Haruhi's Lovely Stroll

**A/N: This muddy little gem was crafted by SSU and MCK. It combines Haruhi along with our favorite games. So it WILL be awful.**

**You've been warned.**

**...But then again, if you're reading this, then you probably don't care about warnings. Go you. **

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Haruhi was walking down the street humming the most annoying battle song ever when suddenly someone grabbed her by the shoulder and drug her into an ally...

To her surprise, it was Nintendo all-star, Mario- in Paper form!

Haruhi stared at the two-dimensional figure in fear and said "Wh-What are you gonna do to me?"

Paper Mario waved in a friendly matter to the tsundere and whispered into her ear a marvelous secret- THE POWER TO FLIP INTO 3-D!!!

"But I'm already 3-D, Mario-san," Haruhi replied to the red-clad plumber.

"Heh, some secret, you retro loser," sneered a voice from the darkness; it was none other than Souji from Persona 4!

"MY HERO!" Haruhi said as she glomped the silveretee.

"Buzz off, you lamer," smirked Souji, like the vain asshole he really is in real life, to Haruhi's shock. "I already have a hot harem of my own. I don't need someone as uncool as- OWWW!!!"

Mario had hit Souji in the groin with his Ultra Hammer!

"You hit his weak spot, Mario-san!" Haruhi said as she was still humming that same battle music.

As Mario and Souji engaged in a nonsensical fist fight, a shadowy figure in a trenchcoat grabbed Haruhi around her waist and leapt over an entire city block.

"You need to be more careful, random girl I've just met!" said the trenchcoat-clad Neku Sakuraba from The World Ends With You.

"Why did you just abduct me, you-" Haruhi started, but froze as Neku took out a red pill and blue one from his pocket.

"One of these will take you into a world filled with mystic adventure. The other one's just Viagra. I forgot which one's which..." said the confused boy.

Haruhi looked carefully at the pills, and remembering her fondness for orange, decided to pick red, because it was the almost-same color. Then she suddenly found herself in a world with magical trees of death.

"Welcome to the Epic Magical World, brother!" said Mikuru, who was trying to impersonate Hulk Hogan for some reason. Meanwhile, Neku had taken the blue pill and was running off in search of a random Reaper or Noise to rape. ...But instead ran into Souji.

"Ah, well, I guess you'll do," he said as he dragged the silverette into a random ally.

Haruhi walked with Mikuru to a meadow filled with lollipops and gummy flowers. When suddenly, they were attacked by a naked Churuya!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! PREPUBESCENT RAPIST!!!" screamed Mikuru and Haruhi in unison as Churuya tried in vain to hump their ankles.

Then suddenly, Yuki Nagato dressed as Seto Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Oh! kicked the chibi off of the tsundere's ankle, while singing Dragonforce's Through The Fire And Flames.

"SCREW THE RULES........... I got nothing," mumbled Yuki, while shuffling her trading cards in her petite hands.

"Prepare for the fight of your lives, nyoro~n!" said the green-headed chibi as she pulled out the Sheepinator from Ratchet & Clank.

_**BLAAAM!!!**_

And with a thunderous roar, the laser charged and hit the girls...... except Haruhi was a dog, Mikuru was a sheep, and Yuki was an eggplant! _WTF?!?!_

_***_

"GHHHAAA!!!" Fredric Chopin screamed as he awakened from his dream and looked around his bedroom. "Oh, well. At least I haven't become a bisexual Japanese girl!"

Smiling to get himself some breakfast, he climbed out of bed, and then reached up to scratch his rather large, blue eyebrows and..........................................................

"Oh, fuck..." said the famous composer as he realized that he had become Ryoko....... ACHAKURA!!!!

**The end.**

**Epilogue: **Meanwhile, The Haruhitaker was getting used to her new life as a bisexual Japanese girl. And somewhere in the world, after a certain trenchcoat-wearing boy was done raping a silver-haired teen (who would seek therapy from a bear mascot later), he himself was gang-raped by a red plumber, a green plumber, a pink princess, and a turtle-dragon, who were all made of paper. This entire event was captured on camera by a colorful butterfly-like pixie, who would then upload it onto YouTube for shits and giggles.

* * *

**A/N: This is SSU's favorite chapter so far. It had rape in it. Who doesn't love rape? ! Who doesn't like rape?!**

***Crickets chirp***

**Anyways....**

**Review............. or else Haruhi, Tsuruya, Ryoko, Yuki, or Kuyou will go to your house and eat you. And not sexually.**


	4. SSU & MCK: God Swap

**A/N: Another one by SSU and MCK. We're like creepy twins, huh? **

* * *

Haruhi and Sasaki were hanging out together. They had temporarily set aside each other's differences to talk about stuff like the supernatural and shopping. As they were walking down the street together, something happened that would change them forever.

They switched bodies!

"WHAT? How could this happen?" yelled Haruhi, though her voice came from out of Sasaki's mouth. Sasaki (in Haruhi's) body was wondering the same thing as she checked out herself in a store window.

"I think that this is an improvement," said Sasaki. "Now, I don't have to go to that stupid cram school and I'll have Kyon all to myself... Whoops! Did I say that out loud?"

"EX-CUSE ME?!?! Who the heck do you think you are?! Kyon is all mine! You had your chance with him, you harpy! ....And quit feeling up my boobs!" roared Haruhi as Sasaki kept poking herself in the chest to test out her new assets.

Then suddenly Fujiwara, Kyouko, and Kuyou came out of nowhere. They were all holding pitch forks and torches for some reason.

"Oh, Sasaki! We heard something about you hanging around with that wretched Haruhi! Is this true?" asked Kyouko, wielding a torch. Haruhi (as Sasaki) looked over at Sasaki and grinned evilly.

"No! She kidnapped me with her large breasts and her huge ass! Get her, guys!" shouted Haruhi/Sasaki. Sasaki/Haruhi on the other hand was going to try out her new legs and started running.

"Crap, crap, crap, crap, CRAP! How am I going to get out of this one?!" Sasaki said to herself as she jumped over a chain-link fence. "Wait! I know who can help me!"

She continued running and ran directly into Yuki. She helped the girl up and said, "Help! Sasaki and her evil band of sneering bastards and or bitches are trying to kill me!"

"I see. Come with me," Yuki said mysteriously. She took Sasaki by the wrist and led her into an alleyway. And before she knew it, Yuki had taken Sasaki through several shortcuts to her intended destination before they had seen each other. The place?

Burger King.

"Welcome to Burger King! How may I help you?" said Ryoko Asakura who was wearing a Burger King work uniform.

"I would like 12 boxes of chicken tenders, 3 medium Sprites, and 20 plain cheeseburgers. Oh, yes. Would you care for anything, Sasaki?" Yuki asked quietly to Sasaki's shock.

"Umm, yeah. Can do anything about the band of psychos chasing me, Asakura?" she timidly asked.

Ryoko looked up from the register and saw the aforementioned band of pursuers. She knew that was really Haruhi in Sasaki's body due to her heightened alien perception. She picked up 4 cherry slushies and walked towards them. The gang stopped in front of Ryoko.

"Hello!" she beamed out. "Would you guys like to try a complimentary cherry slushie? They're on the house!"

"OH, BOY! FREE STUFF!!!" Haruhi, Fujiwara, Kuyou, and Kyouko sang out. They threw down their weapons and began to chug down their beverages. Sasaki and Yuki were confused, until Ryoko gave them a sneaky grin.

Then suddenly they all exploded! Blood was everywhere and Kuyou's hair looked like a dead cat. Sasaki then took a look at the two aliens and her former body and decided to run like hell.

"OH, GOD! OH, GOD! OH GOD!!! I'm technically dead! And so are my friends! What am I going to do?!" Sasaki half-yelled, half-cried. As she was sobbing, she ran right into someone. Falling on her butt, she looked up into the concerned face of Emiri Kimidori.

Then suddenly, the shy-looking girl held up a gun to Sasaki/Haruhi. "Surrender your screen-time to me!"

"Kimidori, it's really me! Sasaki! Me and Haruhi swapped bodies, but then Asakura blew her and my friends up with cherry slushies!" Sasaki said in a panic, while Emiri's eyes flew open in surprise.

"Oh, my... Does this mean I get their screen-time?" The salad-haired girl started to get excited.

"I guess," Sasaki said with a shrug. "Hey, wait! Since Haruhi is dead, why hasn't the world blown up?"

"It's because I'm not dead! Dumbass!" said a voice in Sasaki's head. "I basically pulled a Bakura and left part of my soul in my old body. Now.... time to kick you out!" the voice exclaimed as Sasaki was pulled into a battle arena with a large amount of yuri hentai posted on the walls.

"Am I inside your brain?" Sasaki asked as she noticed all of the poorly drawn fan-work.

"No. We're in Mikuru's brain. I borrowed it," replied Haruhi.

"How the hell did you manage that?!" asked a very weirded-out Sasaki, keeping her eyes on Haruhi the whole time as she circled her like a shark.

"Because I'm God. Dumbass!" Haruhi replied as her eyes glowed bright yellow when she said that.

Haruhi leaped high into the air and delivered a crushing downward chop with her right hand. Sasaki crossed her own arms in fear, but was surprised to feel Haruhi's blow land. It felt like someone hit her with a leaf.

"A God, huh?" Sasaki said in a sarcastic tone as she tackled Haruhi down to the ground.

"Damn it! I forgot about your powers too! You're like freaking Kryptonite to me! Well, I'll still beat you!" Haruhi snarled as she and Sasaki wrestled around.

After a while of grabbing, groping and falling, some strange sprinkler turned on and dissolved the two girl's clothes.

"ACK! What the hell?!" the goddesses shouted in unison as they stood in their cute little bra and panties. For you perverts out there, Haruhi's was bunny-print and purple, while Sasaki's had pink flowers and was white.

"Hehe... That's right. Keep going, little girlies," said the voice of Mikuru Asahina.

Haruhi and Sasaki turned and saw a grinning Mikuru sitting on some stands a few feet away. She had a hot dog and one of those big foam fingers that said, "YAY FOR YURI!" on it.

"Wait, I thought she was into yaoi?" Sasaki said. The two goddesses took a look at each other and nodded. Then they rushed up the stands in pursuit of Mikuru.

"Hey! This is my brain! What are you guys going to do?" Mikuru asked fearfully as they advanced on her.

"I know!" Haruhi exclaimed as all three of the girls were enveloped into a bright white light. They had teleported to...

Kyon's bedroom. He was playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl and had just beaten Tabuu on the Subspace Emissary on the Intense difficulty. He was currently dancing around in his boxers, hands over his head.

"I did the exact same thing when I beat that thing," Sasaki said in a calm tone. Kyon saw the two girls in panties, along with Mikuru, who I forgot to mention, was in lotila cosplay were suddenly in his room.

"Ummmmmmm........ Hey guys..." Kyon said in embarrassment as he covered himself with a pillow and a sleeping Shamisen. "How did you guys get here? ....And what's more, why are Haruhi and Sasaki in their underwear?"

"Honestly, I don't know anymore," Sasaki said with a shrug. "Why don't we all go get slushies at Burger King?"

A panicked Ryoko suddenly ran into the room, waving her arms about. "EVERYBODY! I don't know how, but Kyouko, Fujiwara, and Kuyou are inside my head!"

"JUST FUCKING GOOGLE IT!!!!" said a suddenly angry Mikuru. Everyone else just left the room, not caring about their lack of clothing.

In another place, the three members of the Anti-SOS Brigade were bouncing around their new home.

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**A/N: Nuttier than a pecan pie, huh?**

**C'mon, folks! Reviews will keep thing alive! And you REALLY don't wanna see SSU beg. He's pretty pathetic.**


	5. SSU & MCK: Chicken and Waffles

**A/N: SSU and MCK are at it again.**

**Oddly, enough, there isn't even any chicken mentioned in this chapter at all.**

**Huh.**

* * *

Tsuruya was snoozing peacefully in her bed. Dreams of a small girl with green hair and a child-like version of Haruhi danced in her cranium. Suddenly, her stomach growled and gurgled like a starving jungle cat. She sat up quickly and placed a hand on it. There was one thing she knew she had to do............. EAT BREAKFAST!!!

She was hungry enough to eat a 800-year old Garara Gator. She ran out of her room, not bothering to get dressed, and went to the kitchen.

"What am I gonna eat?" Tsuruya asked herself as she walked into the empty and chilly kitchen. It was the servants' day-off and her folks were at an Organization meeting. She opened the fridge and pulled out a box of Eggo Waffles.

...Which was empty.

"Damn it! Am I gonna starve, nyoro?" Tsuruya then heard a large noise coming from her backyard. She went to inspect the noise and saw...

A pile of tools lying on the ground. They had been knocked over from their place against the wall. And the one who knocked them down? Tsuruya was surprised to see a guilty-looking Ryoko attempting to climb over the garden wall. And in her left hand was a stack of six Eggo Waffles.

"THOSE ARE MINE, NYORO!!!!" Tsuruya screamed as she entered combat mode.

Ryoko blinked and frowned before yelling, "HEY! You're rich! Go buy some more waffles! If I don't get these to Nagato in an hour before she wakes up..... I don't know what she'll do to me!! So, I'm taking these waffles and that's that! NOW FUCK OFF!!!"

Tsuruya, however was ignoring the blue-haired alien. She was growling angrily. Then, Ryoko looked in horror as Tsuruya started to glow yellow as her hair started to change color.

"Oh, shit..." muttered Ryoko as Tsuruya went Super Saiyan. She pulled herself over the gate just as a shimmering ball of light obliterated the area where she had been at.

Then a loud screaming noise came from the direction of Yuki's apartment. "Oh fuck, she's up early!" Ryoko cursed as she tried to increase the distance between her and the smoked-cheese-loving Super Saiyan.

They tore down the street knocking people down and pushing over cars. As they were running, Ryoko got an idea. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her slingshot (kept right next to her knife). Passing by a bakery, she grabbed a handful of glazed donuts out of the box of a confused-looking gentleman. Stuffing the eight pastries into the slingshot, Ryoko spun around to Tsuruya, who was coming around the corner, and fired directly into her mouth.

Then a loud crash could be heard across the street. It was Yuki, who was cosplaying as Frieza for some reason.

"RYOKO!!!!! WHERE ARE MAH WAFFLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the purple-haired alien screamed at her back-up.

"Right here, my delicate cherub!" Ryoko squeaked, dashing over to Yuki and handing her over the goods. Tsuruya saw this and attempted to just swallow the donuts in her mouth whole.

"I still want those waffles, nyoro!" Tsuruya exclaimed, almost choking on the donuts, and started gathering energy in her hands. "GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, Ryoko cooked the waffles in the toaster and Yuki was dodging shoes that were being thrown at her by former U.S. President, George W. Bush.

"Oh, no! I forgot to buy the bacon!" Ryoko exclaimed, hopping away from the toaster that had randomly appeared on the street. Yuki said nothing, as she was attempting to avoid being stabbed in the eye with a stiletto.

"How dare you get more screen-time than me, Yuki!" Haruhi exclaimed as she charged at the alien with said stiletto that she borrowed from George Bush. Meanwhile, said former president and Kyon were turbo dueling with Kyon having the upper hand. Then Tsuruya stopped screaming.

"NYOROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" howled Tsuruya as she fired the energy. Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Ryoko, and George Bush saw it coming and said only one word together:

"NYORO~N!!!!" they all exclaimed as the energy attack hit them all.

Her enemies all unconscious, Tsuruya stepped up to claim her waffles even though she was kinda full from the donuts. Grinning triumphantly, she was preparing to eat them raw....... when they fell apart into ashes.

"NYORO~N!!!!!" she exclaimed as she fell on her knees and started crying. Then suddenly, a miracle happened.

"Shhhhh..... It's okay....." crooned Ryoko as she dragged herself over to Tsuruya. She reached behind her back and pulled out a box of Blueberry Ego Waffles.

"For me, nyoro?" Asked the genki girl. The blue-haired girl nodded and they started to make out for no apparent reason other than the fact that there was no yuri so far in this chapter.

But just as they were about to taste each other's sweet, sweet "melons", A shadow fell across them. They looked up to see an angry Haruhi and Yuki staring right at them. Kyon had gotten bored and taken George Bush to play some Halo.

"No yuri without us? How dare you!" exclaimed Haruhi while Yuki was just angry at her DS that she was playing.

"Prepare to die, peons!!!" she snarled as she pulled out the guitar from MCK's fanfic (Obvious plug is obvious).

Haruhi held the instrument over her head in a show of force. Fear overriding her senses, Tsuruya did what was possibly the stupidest thing in the world to do- she pulled Yuki's cardigan over head, grabbed the DS stylus, and poked Haruhi in the left breast with it.

"HEY! I WAS ABOUT TO CATCH GIRATINA YOU BITCH!!!!" screamed Yuki as she kicked the green-haired girl in the face. Meanwhile, for some reason Haruhi had put up the obvious plug guitar and started to eat the waffles that Tsuruya and Ryoko left on the ground.

"These are pretty damn good waffles!" said Haruhi as she stuffed them into her gullet. Ryoko eyes grew huge and she became incredibly angry. those were her and Tsuruya's waffles! Not Haruhi's! "You greedy whore!" Ryoko roared as she dashed up to Haruhi and pried her jaws open. And to Tsuruya's horror and amusement, Ryoko jumped right in.

Then Haruhi started glowing. The one who stood before them was some sort of humanoid bird-like creature with mechanical looking green wings and purple armor.

"I am Gladiator Beast Gyzarus. Apparently, one of these girls names was treated as Gladiator Beast Bestiari, otherwise this would be even more confusing," the Gladiator Beast then pulled out a double necked guitar out of nowhere.

"Who wants to guitar battle?" she/he asked.

"I shall battle! Even though I'm just as confused as the reader, nyoro!" Tsuruya pulled a plastic kiddy guitar. Meanwhile, Ryoko had formed an epic plan to break out of Haruhi's tummy.

Several epic moves were used, despite the fact Tsuruya's weapon was made for preschoolers. While Tsuruya and Gyzarus played 'Through the Fire and Flames' on expert, Ryoko was fighting off the various things in the goddess's stomach. She then started to manipulate the data around her and transformed into...

"Nurse Asakura! Fear my incredibly short and revealing skirt!" giggled Ryoko. She went through her bag for her weapon. Topside, Haruhi/Gyzarus wasn't feeling so good as Nurse Asakura jammed her syringe into the stomach lining..

Then, suddenly as Gyzarus was in the middle of playing a guitar solo, he started to glow again. Then as he was glowing, he spat out a blue-haired nurse as he turned back into Haruhi. Meanwhile, Itsuki and Mikuru were making out in Tartarus because we need to give them a mention sort-of.

"Oh, Koizumi.... You're so....." And before she could finish, Mikuru looked down and realized the horrifying truth about Itsuki- he was a TRAP.

"What? I thought you liked yuri, Miss Asahina," she shrugged as she continued to feel up the time-traveler.

"Yeah, but Itsuko creeps me out! I'm the only character with a big rack in this show!" Mikuru flung off her lover and ran out to see Haruhi getting bashed in the head with a guitar by Tsuruya.

"Take this, nyoro!" she exclaimed as she continued to smash the guitar over Haruhi's head. Then they all heard a extremely loud roar.

"THESE WAFFLES ARE DELICIOUS!!!" yelled Ryoko, greedily munching on them. Haruhi was pissed that Ryoko had invaded her innards like that, so she decided to do something about it.

"Let's see how you like it, Ryoko!" shouted Haruhi as she jumped into the blue-haired yandre's mouth. Then they started to glow again. This time they transformed into...

Achakura.

"Oh, good lord.... What did I eat!?" groaned the chibi. Tsuruya was laughing her ass off at the sight of Haruhi's outline jumping around in Achakura's body.

***

"GHAA!!!" exclaimed Barack Obama as he woke up from his nightmare. Then he got up and felt lighter, except in the chest and the head. He also noticed that he had ridiculously long black hair.

"__Uh__oh,__" muttered Kuyou Suou. But then an idea came to her mind. Now that she was president, Kuyou Obama could do the one thing the Anti-SOS Brigade dreamed of...

...Get animated in season three! Finally, the days of being those obscure characters who randomly appeared in the light novels and in crack fics were almost over. Soon, they would have their own Character CD's too!

"___And now to___invite the gang___over and get___high! But first.....__Waffles....._________HA HA HA HA HA____HA HA!!!" she cackled.

Meanwhile, the Sky Canopy Domain was confused that one of their operatives switched bodies with a Democratic president. "How would that happen?" Asked George Bush, AKA the Sky Canopy Domain.

**The end.**

**Epilogue:**

Eventually, the gang got Haruhi out of Achakura. Then they all went to Kyon's place and had pancakes. Tsuruya got pissed until she saw Kyon had some waffles in his freezer. And as Tsuruya and Ryoko rapidly ate, the heiress accidently bit Itsuko. Mikuru and Kyon didn't mind, though. And Yuki eventually caught Giratina and decided to write fanfics instead. She has an account on Fanfiction dot net as we speak.**

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**A/N: Despite the fact that Kenta-kun couldn't make it, the SOS filmed this anyways. Why do you think there wasn't any chicken involved?**

**Read and review!**


	6. SSU & BKE: Heil Haruhi! Part 1

**SSU & BKE: Heil Haruhi! Part 1**

* * *

It was 16 years ago, in a hospital in the city of Kobe, that a certain girl was born. She was loud like one parent, obnoxious like the other, and as stupid as both of them combined.

Her name is Haruhi Suzumiya.

Haruhi was a simple child growing up. She had her strengths, her weaknesses, her fears, and her ambitions. But there was one thing Haruhi Suzumiya longed for. Something that even went further than her dreams for the SOS Brigade.

To rule the planet. To conquer it whole and be able to tell people what to do like how her father tells her what to do all the time.

And so every day afterschool, Haruhi would go into her bedroom, tell her parents she was too busy masterbating to accept any calls, and plot her schemes. There was one problem, though: Haruhi was incredibly lazy.

You see, she wanted some crazy things. The espers, aliens and time-travelers were only a front for the fact that she wanted to have those powers to make her life easier and to take the whole place over. Not that it was going to happen any time soon. This is the REAL Haruhi we're talking about, not the one from the canon at all. And boy, oh boy, she was worse than Kyon.

"Ugh... How am I gonna take over the world today?" she drawled to herself, taking a moment to scratch her volumptous fanny. "Maybe I should take a nap or get something to eat.........."

As she started to doze, she whistled in that typical cliche of people who make odd sounds as they sleep. She was napping for 20 minutes when a loud knock came from the door.

Her mother called, "Haruhi, it's your friends!"

"OH, SHIT!" Haruhi snapped out of her nap, realizing the state of her room. It was covered with several books on the Soviet Union, the KKK, the Borg, the Koopa Troop, and just about any evil organization that uses fear and not-niceness in their plans. She ripped a life-size poster of Karl Marx of the wall over her bed. She looked around for any else incriminating as she heard the footsteps of her friends draw near.

As she stuffed the german philosopher's visage into the closet, the door knob turned and the whole thing opened to reveal the face of Itsuki. "Konichiwa, Haruhi-san."

"Hi, Koizumi!" Haruhi said in an unnaturally high-voice. "Just what brings you guys over to my lovely and completely innocent room? Ha ha ha ha ha....."

"You ordered us to show up and talk about how the SOS would try and take over the whole world." Kyon was so deadpan cynical, one would think he'd just have offed himself already. Such a Holden Caulfield. Itsuki started to speak.

"Still feeling a little jumpy, Miss Suzmiya?" Itsuki said, noticing the closet overflowing with facist reading material. Haruhi gaped at them as Yuki and Mikuru sat on her bed. Oh, that was right. She DID ask them to come over.

"Oh........OK..........Well, lets start, does everyone remember what i asked them to bring her for the meeting?"

"You asked us to bring Coke-a-Cola and Pork Rinds," Yuki answered holding up said snacks as proof. Haruhi snatched a bag and began to stuff her face, Kyon growled in annoyance- they would never rule the planet at this rate! Haruhi might be a god, but she was small-time. He had to get her to shift things into high-gear.

She suddenly had an epiphany, the kind that changes lives. She jumped up, spilling a fresh can of Coke onto kyons lap. She then proceeded to exclaim, "I've got it! I know what we can do!"

"What?" deadpanned a soggy Kyon.

"We'll get your friend Sasaki and her pals to join us in our world-conquering quest! They're foil-characters and therby the closest things we have to villains! Surely we can get some good enslavement tips from them!" Haruhi grinned sinisterly like a super-villain. Kyon blinked and was met with equally astonished faces from Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru. That.... actually sounded like a good plan. They'd wonder how Haruhi found out about the Anti-SOS Brigade being against them, later.

* * *

**Author's Note BKE: We decided to make our first multi-chapter fic together with this one. We hope you enjoy this one.**

**Author's Note SSU: Make sure to review, guys. It's nice and helpful comments like yours that keep this fic on it's tracks. :)**


	7. SSU & BKE: Heil Haruhi! Part Deux

***BTW, we've started a new forum to channel all the zaniness of our fandom in one place. Come on in, its in the discussion area.**

**.**

**Heil Haruhi! Part 2**

**.**

* * *

And so the SOS Brigade marched in unision to the school of Sasaki. Due to the fanfics written by aprilfool1993, the meeting spot they gathered at was an empty locker room. Haruhi and the others caroused down the student-free halls and arrived at their destination. Haruhi coughed lightly and knocked on the door.

When she stopped, there was a quiet ruckus.

"*Someone's here*" "Let's be quiet.*" "___OK.___"

And they stood there for a minute when Haruhi simply felt like breaking down the door and was surprised at the 4 faces she saw and what they were doing.

The entire Anti-SOS Brigade were currently engaged in a furious game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Sasaki was pink, Fujiwara was yellow, Kyouko was orange, and Kuyou was green. Sasaki quickly tossed the entire children's game away and faced the newcomers with as much dignity as she could. "How may we help you?" she asked politely.

"...........Ummmmmm..............WERE HERE TO CRUSH YOU ALL AND ASSIMILATE YOU AS MEMBERS OF THE SOS BRIGADE! ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE WE START PUMMELING YOU?"

Kyouko frowned in exsasperation at this lame threat. She'd spent enough time observing Haruhi with the others to know that the only way to get a bully like her to calm down was to bully her back. The esper girl sat up, walked up to the power-hungry goddess, and flicked her on the nose. Haruhi screamed like a banshi and slunk back in fear. Kyon pulled her from his side and said, "We're actually here to ask you guys to join forces with us so we can do some world-conquering."

Sasaki frowned and thought for a second, then she smiled, "OK. We want to be on the ground floor of this. We'll make a deal: We are all equals here, and we want an equal share of the world. What do you say Haruhi?"

"As long as I get to rename all of the world's fast food joints after myself- starting with McHaruhi's, I have no problem! Sasaki, Kyouko, Kuyou, and Fujiwara... Consider your selves as part of the SOS Brigade!" announced Haruhi. The two girls shook hands and everyone in the room let out an evil laugh (though Mikuru's wasn't as good, Yuki's could barely be heard, and Kuyou sounded like she was gagging). After a minute of cackling, they all sat around to discuss ideas.

"OK, first is financing the creation of a mecha. First, we must ask out of these choices, do you want a Metal Gear, a Mobile Suit Gundam, a Patlabor, an Eva, or a Knightmare?" The whole group started writing on paper about what they wanted and handed it to Haruhi. She read it aloud of who chose what.

"Let's see here..... I want a Knightmare, Kyon wants a Metal Gear, Mikuru wants an Eva, Yuki wants a Gundam, Itsuki wants a Metal Gear, Sasaki wants a Patlabor, Fujiwara wants a Knightmare, Kyouko wants a Patlabor, and Kuyou wants a Metal Gear.... So I guess it's decided! Metal Gear it is! But since Mikuru had the lowest number in the vote, she gets to pick the design model. What Gear should we use, Mikuru?" Haruhi inquired.

"Uhhhhhhh.............UUUUUUHHHHHHH.............. I..I 've never played a Metal Gear game. I don't even know what a Metal Gear is," she moaned in her usual quiver.

"WHAT?!? So you've never run around the Big Shell killing guards and gathering 9 bodies at a time and collecting them, then shooting the bird to bring more of them?"

Everyone stared at Haruhi for an exact ten seconds of the most severe awkwardness one could endure ever.

"Err... forget I said that. Anyway, I think we should get ourselves a Metal Gear RAY because of it's ability to be aquatic. It's also pretty damn nimble and got a cannon that shoots water. Water is cheaper than missiles, anyway!" Haruhi said joyfully. However, Yuki decided to bring up a valid point in how they would acquire such a weapon of such supreme power.

"Miss Suzumiya, we do not have the financial means of building such things. This meeting should be geared toward how to earn enough money to do so."

She proceeded to walk to the end of the room and pulled out of nowhere a gigantic chart of sales figures and statistics.

The title of it was "Moe/GAR and Bishojo/Bishonen Marketplace, Yuri/Yaoi Considered."

Everyone was shocked, stunned, and flatout floored.

* * *

**Author's Note BKE: The magics only getting weirder here.**

**Author's Note SSU: And by magic, he means madness. **


	8. SSU & BKE: Heil Haruhi! Part Drei

**Heil Haruhi! Part 3**

* * *

After talking it over, the gang decided to go with Yuki's idea of selling mangas and DVDs with the material provided to the market of otakus. Since they lacked actors and subjects, they had one alternative: To use themselves in their work.

Since it was Yuki's idea, it was considered that day that they should first try to use her in a pairing. But what to pick...............

"Kyouko! You are a bad criminal running from the law, and miss Yuki here is a copper. You both end up in a chase in a snowy mountain. An earthquake hits! Then an avalanche! You both get trapped under the snow, and need to keep warm. Then you start to talk about how your life's turned out the way they did, then you talk about each other, you draw close, look in each other's eyes, and then.........the magic happens!"

Everyone stared at Haruhi again, but this time she was proud of herself.

"How the hell are we going to make that of all things?"

To answer Kyon's question, Haruhi ran out of the room and returned with some large pieces of blue, grey, and white construction paper. She then tore up the white paper for her snow while Fujiwara was made to hold the other two pieces of paper as the background, with crudely drawn-on trees and rocks on them. Haruhi then got a camera out of the unoccupied flim classroom and snapped her fingers.

"Okay, guys! SHOWTIME!!!" she roared.

And so they proceeded to apply their lackluster B-grade talents into the making of their first Yuri flick. It wasn't helping that a certain boy who was brought in for the task was making all sorts of misogynist exclamations.

"Wooooooohoooooooooo! Yes ladies, lick and nibble, lick and nibble!"

Taniguchi is a real pervert.

As Itsuki and Kyon carried a struggling Taniguchi out of the room, Kyouko was busy attempting to embrace Yuki It was pretty weird for her because while she wasn't gay, she did have a bit of a crush on Sasaki. Just as Yuki and Kyouko were about to go into a passionate but innocent kiss, the worst thing imaginable to happen occured.

"Damnit!" Said Kyon, the boy angry, "The camera is out of tape! That idiot wasted the rest of the shot!"

"Well, record over it!"

After this, Kyon tried to fiddle with it. Then the camera stopped working.

"What the hell's wrong you idiot?"

"It's stuck on pause or something!" growled Kyon. He tried to fix the camera but was doing a piss poor job. Kuyou waddled over and took it from him. She stared at it before giving her answer on what they should do.

Then she smashed it.

"WHAT!?! THAT CAMERA WAS A GIFT OF THAT ELECTRONICS STORE! YOU LITTLE BLACK HAIRED WENCH!"

Haruhi tried to attack the human interface, but the combined grips of Itsuki on one arm, Kyon on the other, and Mikuru on her shirt kept her back.

Then magically, the camera started to come back together again. The individual pieces of it were melting and reforming. Amazingly the whole thing solidified into a normal camera as it was before. It floated onto the tripod it was on and aimed back at the yuri action scene before it.

"Hazzah, Kuyoh, you saved it!"

Kyon let go of Haruhi and she walked up to it to check it out. "Hmm, it looks like it works again! Yes!"

Then it ran out of power.

"__I__forgot to___include the__battery when I reconfigured the___camera,_" deadpanned Kuyou.

Haruhi pinched the bridge of her nose and pointed straight up into the air right after. "TO THE NEARSET BEST BUY FOR A PACK OF BATTERIES!!!"

Later, they finished the scene, ending it with a can of Reddi whip and chocolate sauce. Needless to say, the geeks were happy tonight.

"OK. Next we do Yaoi. Hmm, we only have Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujiwara......... Hmmmmmmmmm......."

"AHA!" she screamed out, "A THREE WAY LOVE TRIANGLE! AN EPIC ONE OF TWO BOYS WHO FIGHT OVER THE THIRD AND EVENTUALLY AGREE ON SPLITTING HIM!"

"Heh, thats so bad."

"Kyon, you're the one they fight over, and you must wear this:"

She produced a goofy-looking fruit hat that looked like it belonged on Carmen Miranda. As Haruhi tried to wrestle it on Kyon's head and get his hand out of her face, Fujiwara became visibly pale. Not that he was strongly against yaoi, mind you, but that the scene would be INCREDIBLY akward.

Why, you may ask?

Because Kyon..... WAS ACTUALLY HIS FUTURE FATHER!!!

It was this thought that drove Fujiwara to start retching and vomiting. The crew was too grossed out to continue for the day now.

"Ewwww, I am NOT kissing that mouth!" Said Kyon.

"Oh yes you will! Mikuru, some tic tacs and peppermint tea for our friend here."

Mikuru ran off to start a pot of tea and for the little candies, or something suitable like Mentos or something. Fujiwara quipped solemnly, "Ummm...how about some soda or something like that?.......Or hard liquor?"

"You don't want my tea?" Mikuru asked meekly as Sasaki handed the male time-traveler a 7-Up.

"Personally, I think your tea isn't that good," Fujiwara said simply, sipping his drink. Mikuru's eyes watered and she began to whimper. Kyon's eyes widened in anger and he screamed....

"YOU DOUCHE! HOW DARE YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?"

"I don't want her tea and I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR CRAP YOU TERRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A PARENT!"

".......what? WHAT?"

"Uh, uh, I mean, you always like to act like you know whats best for everyone, and its so fake!"

He started to laugh and act in a fakely angry manner. He looked at Sasaki, as if it was that she would hold the answer here....

"Fujiwara? Is there something you're not telling us? You can tell me. We may not be friends exactly, but we have each other and that counts," Sasaki said. She smiled sincerely and placed a hand on his shoulder. Fujiwara grumbled an apology to Mikuru and Kyon and turned back to Sasaki to say thanks.

But as fate would have it, something else came out along with his apology. "Sorry I acted out of line, mom."

And that's when everyone's jaws dropped in shock and horror.

* * *

**Author's Note BKE: Oh lord, and now we have this. What next you wonder?**

**Author's Note SSU: And you guys thought Sasaki wasn't into romance! .....SHE'S INTO KYON!!! *Gets shot* **


	9. SSU & BKE: Heil Haruhi! Part Yon

**Heil Haruhi! Part 4**

* * *

Kyon was walking around in circles. He was panicking. He was FREAKED OUT.

**He was a father. And Sasaki was the mother.**

He started to scream to himself, "OH SHIT! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?"

Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki became chibified as Haruhi grew 100 feet tall and became surrounded in flames like in one of those old cartoons. She picked up Kyon and held him in front oh gaping maw.

"EXPLAIN THIS, YOU BASTARD!!!" she roared at him.

"But, I can't, Haruhi! I-I-I don't know what to say! It's a future event and I have no control over it! How was I supposed to know what future me would?!" kyon cried pitifully.

Haruhi grew back to normal size and put Kyon. She stomped over to Fujiwara and jabbed an index finger into his chest.

"EXPLAIN!" Haruhi yelled.

It was here that Fujiwara stood up and faced her.

"M-HM!. As you can see, this is not the most normal of situations."

Haruhi retorted, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT AIN'T!"

He started to explain, "24 years from now, you Suzumiya will have completely controlled the earth, she will lead legions of her forces to victory and will be unstoppable. It is here that my father, Kyon, chose to try to punish Haruhi for her general abuse of the whole situation. In this, I was the product of the illicit affair between him and my mother." He points to Sasaki, who starts to look slightly panicked, as you can see, "I do indeed take after my parents."

"I was made as a punishment, so that you would stop being a problem. In fact, i have just a touch of your power. Not nearly as much as any esper, but enough to do what I need to do the things i intend to."

Kyon started to think carefully, "Oh crap."

Haruhi turned, "Oh crap what?!"

"He really is a bastard."

Fujiwara's face reddened.

"Well, then..... Looks like you and Sasaki will just have to stop being friends. Simple as that!" Haruhi said with a smile.

At this Sasaki became angry. "I don't think you can seperate me and Kyon that easily. I've known him for a much longer time than you have."

"Says the adultress..."

"Why you contemptible little tart!"

The two girls then began to battle in a most weird matter.

They proceeded to grab a gob of each others hair and yanked. As one pulled, the other yelped and also did, generating a vicious cycle of hairpull that would inevitably end in a bald spot for both. When kyon realized this, he tried to break up the fight.

"Girls, stop this!"

"Screw you kyon, now I know you'll be screwing HER!"

"What?!?! Thats it wench!" Sasaki started to pull harder, compelling Haruhi to scream.

"BITCH, LET GO-" "NO, TRAMP, IM GONNA PUNISH YOU!"

Haruhi took her leg into a giant kick and nailed Sasaki in the stomach with her shoe. Sasaki proceeded to let go, bend over and cry in agony. "AAAAHHHHH!"

"MOM!?"

Pissed that his soon to be mother was injured, Fujiwara reached into his pockets and dug around. After a bit of searching, he grasped something metallic.

Grinning, he pulled out what looked like an oversized toy gun out of his pocket and pointed it at Haruhi.

Mikuru recognized it instantly and screamed in horror. "That's a... a..."

"A what, Miss Asahina?!" asked Itsuki.

The gun fired.

Haruhi took a direct hit in the skull, producing odd results...

"Ummm...hello? Anybody?"

She seemed confused. She walked up to Kyon, "Hey, whoever you are, tell me, I am not sure who I am and I don't know what the hell is going on."

He proceeded to look at Fujiwara, who started to fiddle around with his weapon.

"Ohh.....It was set to erase her memories. I wanted her brain to explode, but I set it too low."

Kyon facepalmed. Mikuru sighed in relief, for she had indeed seen that kind of gun blow up skulls before.

"Oh, wait...... HERE IS MY CRICKET!!!" Fujiwara said giddily as he pointed another weapon at the curious Haruhi.

Yuki dashed forward and attempted to wrench the weapon away. Kuyou intercepted Yuki, but her lack of height meant Yuki did not see her. She tripped, and the two alien girl collided into Fujiwara, causing him to misfire and take out a patch of the ceiling above their heads.

Plaster rained down like..... rain.

"Are you nuts?! You could have killed Miss Suzumiya!" shouted Itsuki.

Fujiwara, apparently taking after his father, lunged at itsuki with a burning rage, and the two began to wrestle. After separating them, Kyuko decided to ask her male teammate a question that had been on her mind.

"So how did Kyon and Sasaki meet again?" the female esper inquired as Haruhi gnawed on cookie Mikuru had given her.

The angry traveler calmed down. "Well, its kind of like this..."

_Its a party, everyone is drunk, Haruhi is not around. Kyon is walking about the place in a daze and sees a drunk Sasaki. "Hey, rrremmemmber mmee? Im the chump that married the battle axe."_

_Sasaki talks, "oohhhh, hiii kyon-kkuuuuuunnn, I heard about that. Im sure you don't like her anymore. This party is getting so boring....wanna make out????"_

_"Suuuurrrreee."_

5 sickening minutes later..

"And the next morning, I was traveling on the way through the fallopian-"

"ENOUGH! GOD THATS DISGUSTING!!"

Sasaki, Kyoko and Kyon were red in the face, Kyoko did not want to hear more.

"Hey, you asked," Fujiwara said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Miss Suzumiya is gone." Yuki said, breaking the silence.

"WHAAAT?!" everyone (except Kuyou) shouted.

.

Meanwhile, Haruhi was outside wandering around Sasaki's school with a look of wonder on her face.

It was then that she came across a wonder of nature.............. a vending machine.

"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!" She went, as if seeing a deer in a forest.

She could see inside a series of items. An apple, a milk carton, a bag of doritos, "Hey!"

She started to check her pockets but could not identify any cash or change on her. She sighed.

Then she got pissed, "DAMNIT, GIVE ME THOSE CHIPS!!!" She started rocking the machine. Bad idea.

It came crashing down on her, bumping her head and forcing her into a coma. By the time the brigade came across her, she was almost gone.

**Later**

"Uggghhh... Where am I?" asked a groggy Haruhi as she sat up in a hospital gown.

"You had a mild concussion and had to be taken in for a heavy operation," annouced Yuki.

"You could have died, Miss Suzumiya!" sobbed Mikuru.

Itsuki interjected here, "Its good to see you awake. I believe you may have recovered your memories right? Are you gonna feel OK?"

"Hmm....OH YEAH! Well as long as I make it in time for us to conquer the world, I'll be okay!" said Haruhi.

Then she saw the nervous looks on their faces. "What's wrong? she asked.

Itsuki nervously opened his mouth, "Well...you see....aheheh...we uhhh... we-"

And Kyon rolls in, "We used the money from the project to save you."

"WHAT!?! Wait a sec, how did you even get any money in the first place, we had just finished some of it."

"You've been in a coma for 3 months. In that time we made a great deal of money. However, much of it went to paying for this hospital room and for round the clock care. Your insurance and parents didn't pay cause they dont give a rats ass since you did this to yourself."

Haruhi began violently sobbing into her hands. "NOOOOOOOOO!!! Damn it all! We were soooooo close! The world was ours! Fujiwara, this is all your fault! You and your whore mother are going to pay for this!"

She started getting out of her hospital bed, but months of bedrest too their toll, and Haruhi stumbled needing to be held up by Yuki and Itsuki. Fujiwara nervously thought about what Haruhi was going to do to him and Sasaki, until Kyouko suddenly realized something.

"Hey! Why didn't we just have Fujiwara and Asahina go into the future to withdraw their bank accounts, deposit them into the present, and repeat the process repeatedly for some quick cash on the insurance?" she said. Everyone then facepalmed in stunned realization.

Fujiwara and Mikuru look each other in the eye. Mikuru turns, "Um....thats the money we use to retire. Time travelers get no pension."

Haruhi put her arms around the both of them, stumbling slightly, "Well, think about it like this...at least in your old age, you'll have something to do."

**Later**

It was a party held for the unveiling of their new weapon, a fully functional Metal Gear Ray. They were all gathered together to hear a speech from Haruhi.

"Aliens, time-travelers, and espers, lend me your ears!" Haruhi said with a cheesy arm-wave, "For several months, our two Brigades have struggled and fought, but we have gathered here today to commemorate a historic occasion.... the conquering of the world by the SOS and Anti-SOS Brigades! And soon the universe will be our cherry that will be plucked for our sundae of conquest! And I, Haruhi Suzumiya, will be the one to guide the spoon of our destiny! LONG LIVE THE SOS BRIGADE!!!"

There was some polite applause from both parties as Haruhi bowed and Kuyou produced two kazoos and began to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" for no apparent reason. Haruhi took out a bottle of champagne and smashed it against the leg of the Ray in celebration.

As the Ray started to jolt to life, it slowly walked forward.

It then jumped, scaring the brigades. Its hardware grinding and shifting. It landed on their other side. Its head tilted, moved up, and looked out toward the city and started to move toward it.

As it started running off, Haruhi asked, "Umm....wait a sec, who's the pilot?"

Everyone looked at each other and then suddenly realized.

Kyon bemoaned, "Aw crap, its-"

"Wheeeeeeeee~! This is fun! I can't wait to show my friends!" sang Imouto as she stomped through her neighborhood.

* * *

**BKE: Indeed we have finished. Super is not available now to leave an authors note, so im just gonna post it in the meantime. Reviews appreciated.**


	10. MCK & SSU: FateStay Shut Up

**A/N: Another beastly creation by SSU and MCK. Contains a lot of references to Fat/Stay Night, Persona, Sailor Moon, Advent Children, Pac-man, and YouTube Poop.**

**Better run now.**

* * *

Haruhi sat in the in the SOS clubroom by herself. Everything was okay. Except for one thing...... She was extraordinarily horny.

After a few minutes of thinking, however, she saw something she could remotely fuck. It was Archer from Fate/Stay Night, Knocking on the door to the SOS Brigade clubroom, because he needed a shrubbery.

"Excuse me, miss? I was wondering if you could spare a shrubbery?" he timidly asked. Haruhi hadn't exactly heard Archer. Her predatory gaze was locked onto his handsome features. He was hotter than that old fuddy-duddy Kyon! Haruhi smiled sexily and walked up to him, swaying her hips. Time to charm this guy with her best move.

She pulled a trading card out of nowhere and slammed it on the ground.

"IT'S TIME TO DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DUEL!!!!" she exclaimed. After seeing the shocked expression on his face, she tackled him onto the ground, and had him in a mount. She then lifted her hand and wiggled her fingers as she started to tear off the servant's clothing.

"What in the world are you doing?" Archer asked in a calm tone of voice as Haruhi struggled to remove his shirt. When she saw that she couldn't get it off from their current position, Haruhi started ripping her own shirt off. Archer's eye went wide; this chick wasn't screwing around! .....She had nice hooters, though.

"Let's do this right then." Archer said in a confident tone. He then escaped from Haruhi's mount, and stood in a glowing circle. " I am the bone of my boner. Latex is my body, and fire is my blood. I have slept with over a thousand women. Unknown to venereal disease. Nor known by Trojan. I have withstood pain to fuck many women. Yet, those hands will never fuck anything. So I pray... UNLIMITED RAPE WORKS!!!!" Then everything started glowing.

Haruhi blinked. She was in sexy black lingerie and sitting on a heart-shaped bed in a bright pink room. A love hotel! And in strutted Archer, wearing a fuzzy yellow bathrobe.

"Oh, hells yes!" She lay out on the bed as Archer came... And then she woke up.

"What the.....? I was just about to..." she said out loud before realizing that she was in class.

Grumbling, Haruhi went back to reading her book. As she was turning the page she felt an odd sensation. She felt................ cold? Curious, Haruhi made sure no one was looking and examined her lap.

_What the hell..... WHERE ARE MY PANTIES?!?!?! _she thought in a panic. And looking up, she saw with a thrill of horror that they were resting on the back of an unknowing Kyon!

Meanwhile, Kyon was reading his book while feeling the stare of Haruhi. He ignored it and read the book called, 'Summoning Demons and Personas for Dummies'.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... I sure would like to have a minion of the damned to cook for me when mom is out...." the wannabe Satanist muttered quietly to himself. Haruhi, on the other hand, was leaning up from her seat to snatch her underwear away. But just as she grasped the frilly edge, something horrible happened.

Her clothes disintegrated, revealing her nude body to the whole class. Kyon saw her, and temporarily died of a nose-bleed. All of the other males in class followed suit, except for the silver-haired teacher, who had a confident-looking grin on his face.

"What is the meaning of this?!!?!" Haruhi howled, picking two books to cover up her chest.

"Heh, it's a side effect of Unlimited Rape Works. That, and you forget about the sex," Archer grinned as the females in class were appalled.

Except for Ryoko who said, "Are you sure it isn't because you fail in bed?".

Then all the boys came back to life and said, "Ohhh. Burn~..."

Archer frowned darkly. "Oh, it is SO on!" He snapped his fingers, and Ryoko was naked, too. Kyon had a hell of a nosebleed and survived this time, because he found Ryoko creepy.

"Two can play at this game," Ryoko said as she snapped her fingers. Then Archer found himself in Sailor Moon Cosplay. Everybody laughed at him. Except for Haruhi, who was a little turned on by Sailor Moon.

Haruhi ran up to Archer and purred, "Anime heroines turn me on. Do me! Right here, right now....." Archer couldn't argue with that agreement. As he began to remove his skirt, he realized something- he didn't know HOW to take one off!

"AHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!" Ryoko laughed Higurashi-style. "You fell for my trap. Now you cannot have smutty smutty smex with anyone anymore! Also you're gonna have a hard time going to the bathroom." Ryoko then snapped her fingers, and she and Haruhi were fully clothed again, much to the disappointment of the men in the class.

"YOU............ BITCH......" growled Archer. he fished around in his pockets for something to hit Ryoko with and came up with.... a giant heart-shaped rod. Perfect.

"_Moon Spiral Heart Attack!!_" he snarled, firing the attack at a stupefied Ryoko.

Ryoko avoided the attack at the last second, and summoned her combat knife. "Holy crap, you can do that too!" Archer exclaimed as he threw aside the girly looking staff, in favor of summoning his twin blades.

He charged at Ryoko, and swung with both of his swords. One of them hit, leaving a fairly deep wound in the bluenette's chest. However, Archer found that a knife was stuck in his stomach, as the yandre alien struck true. Then the men in class nose bled again, because the cut Archer delivered torn up Ryoko's uniform.

"Ack! You cut my bra! That was my favorite one! You'll pay, you drag queen!" Ryoko thundered, dodging an angry Archer. Haruhi watched them fight with excitement on her face. She had to do something to remember this day.

Then, she decided to grab the heart-shaped rod which Archer discarded. However, as she was about to grab the rod, her hand was grabbed forcefully by a 4chan regular!

"MINE!!!" the freak said through barred teeth. Haruhi rolled her eyes and kicked him out of the way. But twelve more took his place. They closed in like wolves.

Haruhi decided to use her secret weapon against these anons. She extended both of her hands and started screaming. "!!!!!!!!!"

Her hair started to glow gold and energy gathered in her hands. "FINAL FLASH!!!" she screamed as a huge wave of energy was launched at the 4chaners.

For some reason, the 4chaners were all turned into pies, and the sole female became a fish. They all hopped out the window. Haruhi turned around just in time to see Archer get slammed down by Ryoko. She had to save him! He owed her a good sexing after all.

She decided that a DBZ reference would not work in this situation. So, Haruhi did the one thing she could do.

"KYON! GET OF YOUR LAZY ASS AND HELP ARCHER!!!!" Kyon, who was weakened by blood loss, was unconscious. Sighing, Haruhi just rushed at the alien and tried her infamous dropkick.

It worked and Ryoko fell back. She sent out a glare. Now it was just her and Haruhi, face to face.

Haruhi grabbed the girly staff from earlier and decided to give magic a try. She launched a Bufudyne spell at the alien. Ryoko easily avoided the icicles and launched thousands of metal spikes at Haruhi. Haruhi countered by casting Tetrakarn, to create a reflective barrier. The spikes made contact with the barrier and were deflected back at the alien whom launched them.

Thinking quickly, Ryoko shot out a glowing tentacle and retrieved Mikuru from out of her own classroom. She held out the maid in front of her like a shield, and her huge boobs harmlessly bounced the metal spikes away from her and out the window. Ryoko beamed in triumph until Archer and Haruhi screamed. Blinking, Ryoko looked at Mikuru and screamed, too. A single metal spike had embedded itself in Mikuru's forehead. Oops.

"Oh, my god! They killed Asahina! You bastard!" Kyon weakly said from his near-coma. Meanwhile, Haruhi got pissed and decided to finish off the alien. She cast a debilitate spell on the alien, who was struck by sudden weakness. Shrugging it off, she decided to launch more spikes at the tsundere. Haruhi didn't want to waste another spell, so she rolled out of the way in the spikes. She felt a very sharp pain at her left shoulder, where a spike was thrusted. Ignoring the urge to scream, she casted Heat Riser on herself. She then felt much stronger, and decided to go for the kill.

"WIND OF OBLIVION!" screamed Haruhi. She held her arms to the side and unleashed a green crescent-shaped gale of wind. It smashed into Ryoko, knocking the alien on her posterior.

"OKAY! OKAY! I give up!" Ryoko held up her hands in defense. They all turned their stares on the now dead Mikuru. Many eyes filled with tears.

And then Archer said, "Wait a minute! Dry those tears! I have a way to bring her back to life!"

The servant then picked up the moe girl bridal style, and walked to the window. All eyes were on him, anticipating what he would do next.

"I was just kidding. I'm just going to go get it on with her dead body now." He then jumped out of the window with the mascot in his arms.

Kyon couldn't believe this. There was no FUCKING way he would let that necrophiliac get it on with the time-traveler/mascot/crush of his. He weakly stood up and shambled over to the window and whistled. Taniguchi and Kunikida ran into the room. Both were aghast at what Kyon quickly told them. The three then became enveloped in a bright light as Haruhi and Ryoko looked away..... Archer lay Mikuru's body on the sidewalk and smiled.

"Now to feel those tasty lady parts of yours..." he chuckled evilly. But before he could commit the fiendish deed, he heard a noise behind him and looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened. Holy shit, Kyon was holding the katana Souba, Taniguchi was wielding the pile-bunker Duel-Hound on his right arm, and Kunikida was toting the gun Velvet Nightmare. All three boys were on motor cycles and speeding right at him.

Then, something disturbing happened. The seemingly dead arm of Mikuru Asahina reached to the spike on her forehead, and removed it. Then, her eyes opened as the wound on her head was closing at an inhuman rate. Seeing the three boys shocked expression at the time travelers revival, she decided to explain everything. "Stop!" She exclaimed as the three boys got off of their motorbikes.

"I have to tell you all something...Archer? Would you stop feeling my butt?" she said in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry," the sicko replied, wishing he had felt up her chest instead. And that's when Mikuru Asahina delivered her most shocking secret of all detailing her survival.

"I am a Namekian!" she squealed. Everybody there sweatdropped at the time traveler's confession.

"It's true! My mom was human, and my dad was a Namekian. Here! I'll prove it!" She then stretched her arm all the way to the school window, and drug Haruhi out. She had already cast Diarhan on herself, so she wasn't hurting anymore, but she didn't exactly like the way she was being drug.

"Mikuru! I didn't give you permission to touch my breasts, did I?" she said, looking red, as the shy time-traveler noticed which part of her brigade leader's body she dragged outside.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... yes?" Mikuru offered lamely. Haruhi was just about to punish Mikuru when Ryoko appeared once more. "Thought you'd seen the last me didn't you?" she sneered. Mikuru took one last squeeze with her hand and shuffled behind Kyon. Another epic battle was about to occur between Haruhi and Ryoko as they looked at one another...... And then Kunikida broke the tension by firing his gun into the air.

"Why are you guys fighting? he asked.

After they told him, Kunikida said, "Archer, tell Suzumiya you're sorry for melting her clothes off. And you do the same for Archer, Asakura."

Then, Kunikida found a combat knife and five arrows, shoved up his ass, while Haruhi hit him with a Mamudo spell. After shutting up the calm thinker, Haruhi and Ryoko started fighting again, with Mikuru stepping into the fray with her Special Mikuru Beam Cannon. Eventually, all of North High was engaged in an epic battle for no good reason. After all was said and done, the only one still alive was...

"Ugh.... what happened...?" Haruhi moaned as she pulled herself from the rubble. Looking around, she saw that she was the only survivor of the vicious fight.

And she was STILL naked for some reason.

Exhausted, the nude tsundere slowly wobbled her way home. She got nose bleeds and WTF? looks from passersby. After a large amount of stupid random battles, half of which were rapists, she finally got to her bedroom, and fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow. She started to have a strange dream, however...

Haruhi was lying on a big fluffy cloud made of cotton candy. She was clad in nothing but a little white see-through robe that did nothing for her body, but at least it was warm. Looking down she saw the cities, oceans, and forests of Earth. But when she looked up, she was face to face with a startling sight.

"Haruhi? How did you get here?" asked a voice.

Haruhi looked up and almost crapped herself.

It was Kyon's giant, floating head!

However, they're reunion was cut short by one of the ghosts from Pac-Man (The red one) eating the head of the cynic. The Pac-Man death song played as the ghost turned its attention to Haruhi. It then transformed into the image of the king from those Legend of Zelda YouTube poops.

"Eating cynics for dinner is what all true warriors strive for, mah boi!" the King said manically

"!!!" Haruhi cried in anguish. In revenge she started jumping at the ghosts and beating the crap out them. But since punching in kicking wasn't in Pac-man, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde weren't harmed.

As they closed in to...... bump into her, I guess, Haruhi realized how she had to beat them and the King.

"DINNER!" Haruhi shouted out to the heavens, as she opened her mouth to eat them all. In a few seconds Haruhi let out a burp after she was done. The ghosts tasted just like... what?

And Haruhi awoke to find she was in the middle of shoving a screaming Imouto down her throat. Oops.

A few months later, Haruhi ended up transferring to Gekkoukan High, because North High was in ruins. She ended up joining a somewhat suicidal school club called: S.E.E.S. where you kill things by shooting yourself. A few years later, she ended up getting married to Kung-Fu Man from Mugen and they had 34.5 beautiful children. Then, she woke up and it was all a dream.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????" Haruhi ended up screaming. Then she noticed that she was in class... And her teacher was none other than Archer!

It ended in an endless loop of time

* * *

**A/N: Ermmmmmm...... No comment. But, hey, if you laughed, we did our job. See you later.**

**The end.**


	11. MCK & SSU: Beach Blanket Brigade Bash

**A/N: MCK and SSU once again torment you with another one of their creations. This one is beach-themed. **

**Because everything is better with swimwear!**

**...When it's on girls, of course. **

* * *

One day the anti-SOS Brigade was at the beach trying to kill time with random beach activities when suddenly...

A huge wave came and knocked over the sand castle Kuyou was making. It crumbled to dust.

Then Kuyou got pissed and decided to kill the first person she saw. The person she saw, unfortunately, was Kyon's sister. Imouto saw Kuyou coming and ran to hide behind a terrified Sasaki.

Then Sasaki and Imouto placed rings on their fingers and said "Wonder twin powers activate!" as they bumped fists. Anyone here remember that gay show? Anybody at all? ...Didn't think so.

Fujiwara facepalmed and muttered something about obscure references. Kyuko just scratched her head and said, "What the fuck? ...Am I high?"

Then Sasaki and Imouto began to glow in a bright light, they became...

An exact copy of Disappearance Haruhi. Even the authors didn't know what to make of this!

Meanwhile, Kyouko got bored and started to make out with Fujiwara while the SOS Brigade started to show up. Turns out they weren't really related at all.

"Oh, no! My sister must have used her Wonder Ring again! We have to help her and Sasaki!" cried a worried Kyon, while Haruhi nodded.

Then Kyon pointed his finger in the air and exclaimed "Rise! Shining Gundam!", causing the aforementioned machine to emerge from the sand.

As Kyon summoned the colorful mecha, Kuyou noticed them. She flung away AU Haruhi (Sasaki/Imouto) away with a fireball spell, and decided to use her feared technique!

She extended her right arm as it started to transform into an oversized drill. "GIGA DRILL BREEAAAAAAKEEEER!!!" she exclaimed as she charged at the Shining Gundam with the drill.

Kyouko glanced up from sucking Fujiwara's face and gasped as Kuyou's attack began to ravage the machine. The doll-like alien began to stomp towards the SOS. Normally, this would be a good thing, but the esper knew that as soon as Kuyou had slaughtered them, she'd turn on her and the rest of the Anti-SOS. So, Kyouko reached into their beach supplies and came up with Kuyou's favorite food: A turkey leg between two slices of bread.

After she spotted the morsel, Kuyou ran straight toward it and started to munch on it. The poor thing didn't stand a chance.

While she was doing this Junpei Iori from Persona 3 walked up and said, "Hey, come on now. This is the beach! This isn't the place for fighting. This is the place where we get to see babe's in bikini's right?" He was walking right next to Haruhi as he said this.

"You are most correct," said Yuki. And with a snap of her fingers, everyone was now in a bikini!

"Wh-What the hell is this!" Junpei screamed out as he noticed his new swimming attire, a one piece.

"Look, big bro! I'm wearing a bikini!" laughed Imouto, wearing a hot-pink two-piece. Kyon and Junpei noticed this and gaped. This was simply scandalous!

"I think she looks hot..." grinned Itsuki. Both Mikuru and Fujiwara uppercut him two seconds later.

"THAT'S MY LINE YOU BITCH!!!" screamed Nanako Dojima from Persona 4. "Junpei! Let us combine our Persona powers to rid the world of this menace!"

"Screw you. I like this loli better!" smirked Junpei. "At least 'Kyon-kun denwa' is nowhere near as dumb-sounding as your Junes jingle song. HA!"

"I see you've seen through my disguise little man," said Nanako in a dark voice as she transformed into...

Sephiroth. Yeah, I know. WTF, again?!

"Sasaki! Quick! Re-combine with Kyon's sister so we can stop this guy!" Haruhi said.

"Why can't you stop him... or her? Aren't you the real Haruhi?" asked Sasaki.

"Huh. I guess you're right. My bad."

Haruhi then summoned bolts of lightning to zap the hell out of Sephiroth-Nanako, knocking him/her into a coma. And then the SOS Brigade, the Anti-SOS Brigade, Imouto, and Junpei all went swimming in the ocean. It was a magical day for all.

"Hey.... How does Sasaki and Imouto equal Haruhi Suzumiya from the alternate universe?" pondered Fujiwara.

He was hit with a toilet seat a moment later, much to the joy of Kyon and Mikuru.

* * *

**A/N: .............YAY.**

**BIKINIS!!!**

**But, Kyon and the guys in bi-**

**MY EYES!!!**

**...**

**Anyways, hope that made you laugh or go WTF. It sure as heck made SSU do both!**


End file.
